Authentic Voices: Missing My Runner’s Body

May 12, 2016

This week, I’m bringing you a special series of insightful and inspiring running articles written by four women who epitomize what it means to be authentic. While I’m hiking, rafting and camping out west, their voices will remind us about important lessons in life and in running. In case you missed it, check out the first Authentic Voices article Letting Go of Goals by Laura Norris.

Today’s authentic voice is from Christine Yu, a freelance writer, mom, yoga teacher, runner and wannabe surfer. Christine and I had the chance to meet last year at the inaugural Rise.Run.Retreat., and not only is she one of my favorite writers, she’s an even more wonderful person. Christine blogs at Love, Life, Surf where she shares stories to inspire and encourage you to say yes to the things that energize and enliven you. You can also find her on TwitterInstagramPinterest and Facebook. Here’s what Christine has to share about running and body image.

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Last year, I unexpectedly took a year off from running. Well, not exactly an entire year — more like eight months. But those eight months felt like an eternity.

Running prospect park april 2016

I had shoulder surgery in March of last year. While I knew I wouldn’t be able to run for a while, I expected my running break to last eight to nine weeks. But when I started running again, I developed a wicked case of Achilles tendonosis — despite easing my way back into running, despite running very conservatively.

After anticipating my return to running after shoulder surgery for so long, I very carefully and deliberately slipped a pair of blinders on my eyes. Those first few runs were hard but they were supposed to be hard, right? Legs heavy and askew, mistimed rhythm.

But the truth?

I miss my runner’s body.

I don’t mean the physical aesthetic of a runner’s body — I’m far from having the lean build that lends itself to effortless running.

I miss the strength and confidence that my running body gives/gave me. The reserves of strength that I can draw on whether I’m embracing the suck on a long run or in the eye of my six year old son’s tantrum storm.

I miss the efficient passage of breath into and out of my body. The freedom to hit the road, move and sweat and return a little bit closer to the true me.

I miss my body cooperating with me, a body that functions with me, not against me. A body that doesn’t seem to get a kick out of reminding me that I’m in the last year of one decade and on the cusp of entering a new decade (and that doesn’t give my husband more fodder for reminding me of my age).

It took a long time to find that runner’s body. I started off slowly and achy, plodding ahead. Even though I questioned and doubted my creaky knees and heel-striking feet, I showed up every day. And in the process, I found my runner’s body.

I found it once, and then twice and then three times. And each time, my runner’s body took me to a different place in my life.

First, helping to redefine my relationship with my body.

Second, creating space and taking me back to myself after becoming a mother.

Third, connecting me to an unexpected community that I never knew I needed.

It’s really tempting to look back at what used to be, to want to be the runner I was over a year ago, to have that comfort and confidence.

But I have to remember to run forward and not backwards. Because, while the whole comeback thing royally sucks, starting from point zero is a fresh start.

And I don’t know where running will take me to this time and what gifts it will give me. I can only trust that lacing up, starting slowly and finding my way back will reveal a new path in front of me.

What has running taught you about your outlook on yourself?

Comments

Christine @ Love, Life, Surf

I’m honored to be a part of this series and thank you for having me. I hope that you’re having an amazing adventure out west!

Hollie

I think it’s important to look forwards and not backwards, you are right. Great post amd thanks for sharing your story Christine.

Laura @ This Runner's Recipes

Beautiful post, Christine! I like your emphasis on a runner’s body being more about action and identity than merely aesthetics.

Laura @ Mommy Run Fast

Beautifully said, Christine! There is definitely something about the confidence and strength that comes from being a runner. So glad you’re back out there!